Investment lingo for the dummies

For SEC purposes: this is for horrible comedy purposes only. Also, do your job and troll others who are manipulating the markets!😘

Hi! It troubles me to know the bottom 50% of Americans own very few stocks in publicly traded companies. Maybe the reason is people shy away from the complexities of our financial markets? Well, Ms. Ma to the rescue with the following vocabulary lessons:

1. Value stocks vs. Growth/OG Meme stocks:

Value stocks are publicly traded companies trading under their valuations relative to their earnings and long-term potential. Growth stocks (e.g., the original intention behind Reddit Wall Street Bets’ GME phenomenon before it turned into a Robinhood circus) are companies speculated to outperform the overall market due to their future potential. [Side note: I thought about citing sources but, seriously guys, please use Google. It’s free! And you can catch my mistakes. ;)]

What does any of this mean?

Think of value stocks as wife materials. They’re the ones who will always come through for you no matter how much you take them for granted or, even more atrocious, belittle them. They’re the ones that you will be tempted to dump in a hot market because you think you can score something hotter. We all know how this story ends. If you’re the unicorn, hey... do you!

The growth stocks are the Instagram models or side h—s of the world. When you’re bold or bored, you wanna slide into the DM/send that late night text trying to catch some hype. The thing is, the hype is fickle. Also, never underestimate the power of greed. There is always someone more powerful lurking in the background aka the ex whose presence never truly leaves or that one benefactor who is “just a friend.” Because of the attention these stocks get, there’s always going to be drama. On the crazy/hot scale... again, you are well-versed in this story. Lol.

Which type should you pursue? I don’t know. I think it depends on your personality, risk tolerance, starting capital, end goals, age, and health. What type do you think you fall under? (It can be mixed!) What type do you wish to be? Why would your answers be different? My strategy? I look for assets that can be both. It’s like trying to find a guy you’d actually want to text back amongst a sea of dead fish pictures. But the upside is HUGE if you go big and stay loyal when you find this catch! (Points for my fish pun.)

Side entertainment: I could not stop trolling this particular stock because the comments were wildly inappropriately but freaking hilarious!

2. Shorting a stock

Short selling a stock is when you borrow someone else’s shares through a brokerage and immediately sell those shares, hoping you can buy them back later at a lower price. The goal is for the stock to tank so you return the stocks back to the brokerage and pocket the windfall. For the actual math, please use Google. Here is a terribly funny (in my head) analogy.

Short selling is when I tell a girlfriend “he ain’t 💩!” I am betting on him being history. Here’s the dilemma, you don’t know and can’t trust “expert analysts” if:

a. I am saying this because I want him! (So when Andrew Left of Citron publishes a hit piece on Nio or Pltr on Twitter knowing his influence, he is counting on the price to tank because he makes a profit. FYI: since the GME drama, his firm stopped its long-running history of publishing short reports. So now his firm may continue this practice without any transparency. Shout out to Cathie Woods below for lots of transparency and cool merch!)

b. I am saying this because it’s the truth. Without me shining my research, my girlfriend would wear her beer goggles for longer, wasting her youth, and the charade aka fraud will be exposed one day.

So, if you loosely followed that, you see why it’s hard to argue for a straight ban against shorting although other countries have done it!

3. Gamma Squeeze

This is going to be the stupidest comparison but also a social observation shared by others. I believe the stock market mirrors the game of poker or sports betting with the derivatives markets. Thus, it comes down to psychology. For a good explanation of gamma squeeze because I think it’s fascinating, please use Google. But here’s my unsolicited opinion: Donald Trump is the human equivalent of a gamma squeeze. Through his haters, the supporters became louder, which invited more criticism... to the point where the (oligarchic big media on both sides) could not talk about anything else. We meme’d the Donald into the White House! Do I think he could have won based on merits? Yes, if he diligently followed a thought-out PR plan and did not have access to Twitter lol. Before you call me crazy, remember what the law of attraction preaches. Thoughts become things. If we obsess over someone or something, make sure that is your true desire. Your thoughts become your reality so focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.

How does this relate to dating or stocks? Think of that one CRAZY ex... the one you’re thinking of right now... if you are thinking of multiples, YOU were the problem lol! But anyway, that was probably your most volatile relationship but, man, are the mental highlight reels really addicting. Sometimes, win or lose, you’re just glad it happened aka me holding 1 GME share still. That’s the type of chaotic high that a Stepford wife could never give you. See, stocks aren’t that hard. Remember, in poker, we say to “play the man.” If you know people, you can trade stocks. Never risk anything you’re not willing to lose.


Friendly reminder you should not be taking investment advice from strangers online. You never know if they are bots. If you want to follow someone worthwhile, please consider the famed Ms. Cathie Wood of Ark Invest:

Seriously. If you love me or yourself, please stop taking investment advice from social media. For example, even if I think TSLA is good for me, it may not be good for you because of your age or not being diversified enough or you just want to double your money overnight. Investments are such personal choices, I think you should invest in your brain and bet on what you know better than anything else. At the end of the day, unless you’re a hedge fund, nobody is running to bail you out the next day. Make decisions that you can live with and please always remember time is more valuable than money.

I wish you health and wealth in 2021! #yearoftheox #pleasebuycandyfromme ❤️


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